The story behind our rainbow baby, Avalyn

Why did this happen to me?

Was it something that I've done/eaten?

Was I too stressed up?

Why did God send you to me in the first place and take you away so quickly?

How would life be with you around?

It has been 16 months since we have lost our 2nd baby, baby M, and I still ask myself these questions from time to time. I miss her badly and Baby M will always hold a special place in my heart.

Baby M's journey

We first saw her little heart beating on the ultrasound when she was 5 weeks and 1 day old. At 10 weeks and 2 days, the doctor couldn't find her heartbeat and she was measured 9 weeks and 2 days old. I had a missed miscarriage. After a 2nd ultrasound scan, I had a dilation and curettage (D&C) on 3 Mar 2016 and a 7 days of confinement.

In between the 2 ultrasounds, I was feeling tired, unwell and had very serious backache. I didn't have any morning sickness but I felt nausea and bloated all the time. It was difficult to cope with pregnancy and then 2 years 5 months Emma as I felt like sleeping after work all time. Somehow I felt very stressed up knowing what was coming up ahead. Yet, I was very looking forward to holding her in my arms.

My dream to be a mother of 2

Many times, I rejoiced and secretly envied at friends' new bundle of joy. I wondered how great it would be for Emma to have a little brother or sister to play along. I knew that I long for another child but I'm already very thankful to have Emma in our life. Given my previous PCOS condition, having another child is surely just another dream. I wasn't pinning very high hope to conceive another baby and just entrusted God to work out if he likes to help us with another one. So, it was like a dream come true to be expecting baby M.

Lesson of Faith

But, it didn't last long. I was devastated to lose something so precious to me. It was too much for my heart to bear. I spent the next few days crying myself to sleep and reading up miscarriages. I couldn't understand.

I prayed and asked close ones to pray for us. Then, I read something that spoke to me. I was reminded that our babies don't belong to us. God is their Heavenly Father and we, parents, are just their parents on Earth. I know, it was easier said then done. But, I shouldn't be wronged to hand baby M to God as she's his child to begin with. Deep down my troubled heart, I knew he was teaching to trust him more, to seek him more fervently and be a testimony to people around me. I couldn't do anything else but to pray for strength and faith to walk it though.

God makes all things beautiful in his time

Then, I found out that I was pregnant again in Oct 2016. Praise the Lord! I did a count and it looked like I had conceived around the day, if not the same day, that Baby M was supposed to be due - 27 Sept 2016.

Indeed, God makes all things beautiful in his time - a perfect time. As I closed a despairing chapter of my life, God brought me into a fresh and hopeful new chapter. After 36 weeks and 2 days, our family welcomed our rainbow baby, Avalyn, on 17 May 2017. Having a third baby is God's grace and blessing, and we give thanks to God.

It was a relatively smooth and manageable pregnancy so we had expected things to be going really well. However, Avalyn was born smaller than expected at 2.28 kg and 45cm. I was so worried but at the same time, I learnt to trust God more to take care of this baby that he has blessed us with. At 7 weeks, we are thankful that she is growing well - weighed 3.85 kg and 52.5cm.

His plan is always greater and beautiful than ours

Everyone has a different story to tell. Don't be despair if you feel that God isn't answering to your prayers and desires. I had and have many "Dear God, are you there?" moments too. Keep your faith, seek and wait on him patiently. He's definitely on it.

God has a reason for allowing things, even bad things, to happen. We may never ever understand His wisdom but we simply have to trust His will. Psalms 37.5. God's plan for us is always greater and more beautiful than ours. He makes all things beautiful in his time. Ecclesiastes 3:11.

In the end, the only reason we can stand and smile through all problems and pain is because we know we have God on our side and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will our hearts and our minds in Christ Jesus.

My prayer

Dear God,

Thank you for all the good and bad time.

Thank you for letting me be a mother of 3 in your special way. While I could only mother 2 of them, I know Baby M is in a better place with you. I praise for your marvelous work in my life and it's my blessing to be able to share my story to friends and readers of this humble blog. I pray that my sharing will touch more lives and help them to know you better.

May you continue to watch over our family and let us keep shining for you.

In Jesus' name I pray, Amen